Relationships - What Makes Them Work?

In our line of work we come across people all the time who are unhappy in their relationships and think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Let's debunk the myth of 'happily ever after' being easy and look at what it takes to make a relationship work.

The number one priority in your life needs to be 'You'. If you don't do the work on yourself, you carry, into all your relationships, the baggage from the past; whether that be a difficult relationship with a parent or pure lack of self esteem.

Most of us get into relationships with people who represent whatever we haven't sorted with our parents. Do this exercise: Write out all the adjectives you can think of about your parents and then tick the ones that fit your partner you will be amazed at the similarities. I had been married 16 years before I discovered I had actually married my mother, with whom I had a difficult relationship! How is that possible? Because we draw into our life the people with whom we have the greatest opportunity to learn from, to free ourselves of our patterns. rebirthing has a saying: 'Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing.' That means we create that which is NOT love in order to fully comprehend who we really are.

When we finally take off the rose-coloured glasses and see the truth, we see patterns in our partner that were prevalent when we were growing up. The first people we need to heal with are our parents and once the hooks are gone from there, we can then create relationships we deserve. People are our mirrors so if we meet someone who is strong and silent (just like our dad/mum was... from whom we needed to know we were loved), so we "fall in love" with this aspect we are attempting to heal from. Of course, when we take off the glasses, we realize this person is not giving us what we want and then we start nagging (women- speak) or niggling (man-speak). "You never talk to me/want to make love with me/help me with the dishes/come to the races with me." What we are really saying is: You don't show me you love me, neither did my parent. Has the person changed? No, they are the same person you fell in love with but you have changed and you want more.

Unfortunately this person in your life is your creation, there to show you what you need to learn. When you "get it", guess what, they change and if they don't, you are smart enough to know when to go. We meet tons of people from backgrounds of abuse...physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually and they stay in relationships that are the same as they grew up with because they think they can change the other person. "For things to change, first I must change" (from the seminar Money & You) is a powerful statement. We have to understand what we deserve and what we are willing to have and then we need to look honestly at what we have created and find a way to bridge the gap.

When you get to the place where life reflects your dreams, your relationships will be so much easier but they still need to be worked on everyday! Many people want one, get one, put it on the shelf, never do anything with it and eventually it becomes thick with dust and disintegrates. Relationships are precious and they need energy put into them every single day. They are the way we learn the truth about ourselves, the way we find the courage to speak the truth.

Read 'The 5 Love Languages,' find out what your partner's love language is and make sure you fill their love tank every day. If it is Touch, walk holding hands even if it's not your preference... If it is Acknowledgment, give them acknowledgments about the small things that we often take for granted; if it is Time make sure you spend some quality time with them every day. Maybe the love language is Acts of Service so do something you don't normally do, wash his car, iron her clothes! Gifts is another language, generally not a diamond ring or a Ferrari, but a rose by the bed, a bottle of his favourite wine in the bath!

In the end relationships require more work than anything else you can ever take on. The end result is true communication, intimacy and love that doesn't run away at the first hint of trouble.

When you relationship works, you can become a role model for others and then we can create communities that world and a world that works.