Allowing others to use guilt can result in your losing the ability to get what you want in relationships - it gives others power to define the relationship the way they want. Guilt can be expressed through:
1. "The Freeze" or "Silent Treatment"
Creating emotional tension to have one's way in a relationship.
2. "Good Guy vs. Bad Guy"
The controller interprets his or her motives positively and suggests that you will go along or be labeled negatively.
3. "If You Love Me"
Some guilt inducers try to get their way by suggesting any denial of their desires indicates that you do not love or care about them.
4. "Everyone Is Doing It"
This effort suggests that popular opinion or expert's advice sides with the individual's desires. You are foolish if you do not agree with the majority opinion.
You must change your beliefs:
- stop telling yourself that giving in is no big thing.
- stop believing that what you want is bad or wrong.
- stop believing that you don't have a right to an opinion, or that your point of view is less legitimate than someone else's.
- stop trying to please the guilt manipulator.
- stop giving away your power.
- stop letting the guilt inducer dictate who you are and how you should feel.
Also change your response:
Let the person know that you understand their feelings and desires, but maintain your right to your desires.
Decide whether your desires are desirable and therefor open to compromise or whether they are something you do not want to do without, hence nonnegotiable. Stick to your guns - let your no mean no!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How to Identify a Manipulator
Manipulators are often people we trust and that we think of as close-ones. We do things for them because of that close relationship. But is that relationship really as close as you think it is? Occasionally, it's good to take a step back and reevaluate the friends that you have to see if they fit the personality type of a manipulative person While you can still be friends with a manipulator, you must be careful when they are requesting things from you.
Logical Versus Emotional Arguments
Logical arguments make sense to most people because there is solid and identifiable evidence to support that argument. When I say that the Earth revolves around the sun, people will believe that statement because there is scientific evidence to support that claim. Emotional arguments are the primary ammunition for manipulators. Emotional arguments are those claims that are not based on objective criteria, but rather based on feelings and emotions. An example of this is if I wanted you to get me a computer because you love me, right? The manipulator's requests, favors, or wants typically don't have any logical reasoning behind them because they are selfish in nature. The manipulator knows that they can't use logical arguments to persuade you to do what they want, so they switch over to emotional arguments to power their justification. This is the main way to identify a manipulative person. Their logic will always be flawed and their reasoning will always be supported by emotional arguments.
The Four Tactics that Manipulators Use
Appealing to your love. The manipulator will appeal to your relationship with them in order to influence you. The will make reference to their relationship with you as a backbone of getting you to do what they want. They will use words such as "trust," "love," and "us."
Appealing to your sense of guilt. The manipulator will attempt to influence you by making you feel extremely guilty for refusing their request. A typical line is, "Well, if you really cared about me you would do this."
Intimidation. The manipulator might actually become angry at your refusal to do a favor for them and they will try using an aggressive and intimidating approach to force you to submit out of fear.
Fake Flattery. The manipulator will shower you with excessive and, typically undeserved, compliments in an effort to "butter you up" for the favor that will come next. This is a form of ego-stroking that lowers your guard for logical reasoning and makes favors more easy to give into.
Tristan Loo is the founder of Alternative Conflict Resolution Services, based out of San Diego County, Calfornia. Tristan is a former police officer, conflict intervention consultant, professional mediator, and negotiator. Tristan gained his experience by actively engaging conflict out on the streets, honing his knowledge and understanding of conflict during hundreds of dangerous encounters with hostile and violent subjects. Tristan is the author of Street Negotiation--How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime.
Logical Versus Emotional Arguments
Logical arguments make sense to most people because there is solid and identifiable evidence to support that argument. When I say that the Earth revolves around the sun, people will believe that statement because there is scientific evidence to support that claim. Emotional arguments are the primary ammunition for manipulators. Emotional arguments are those claims that are not based on objective criteria, but rather based on feelings and emotions. An example of this is if I wanted you to get me a computer because you love me, right? The manipulator's requests, favors, or wants typically don't have any logical reasoning behind them because they are selfish in nature. The manipulator knows that they can't use logical arguments to persuade you to do what they want, so they switch over to emotional arguments to power their justification. This is the main way to identify a manipulative person. Their logic will always be flawed and their reasoning will always be supported by emotional arguments.
The Four Tactics that Manipulators Use
Appealing to your love. The manipulator will appeal to your relationship with them in order to influence you. The will make reference to their relationship with you as a backbone of getting you to do what they want. They will use words such as "trust," "love," and "us."
Appealing to your sense of guilt. The manipulator will attempt to influence you by making you feel extremely guilty for refusing their request. A typical line is, "Well, if you really cared about me you would do this."
Intimidation. The manipulator might actually become angry at your refusal to do a favor for them and they will try using an aggressive and intimidating approach to force you to submit out of fear.
Fake Flattery. The manipulator will shower you with excessive and, typically undeserved, compliments in an effort to "butter you up" for the favor that will come next. This is a form of ego-stroking that lowers your guard for logical reasoning and makes favors more easy to give into.
Tristan Loo is the founder of Alternative Conflict Resolution Services, based out of San Diego County, Calfornia. Tristan is a former police officer, conflict intervention consultant, professional mediator, and negotiator. Tristan gained his experience by actively engaging conflict out on the streets, honing his knowledge and understanding of conflict during hundreds of dangerous encounters with hostile and violent subjects. Tristan is the author of Street Negotiation--How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime.
'Power Rangers' Verses 'Barney'
Many parents probably read the above title and are anxiously hoping against hope that we'll finally get to see these two cartoonish creations go head to head in an ultimate fight to the death. An epic battle in which one (or with any luck, both) of these monstrosities would be reduced to rubbish and sent back to the land of make-believe from hence they came. There the Power Rangers could fight each other while Barney tries to intervene singing "I love you, you love me..." in the background, all without making your ears bleed in the process. But alas, no such luck. You're just going to have to put up with the talking dinosaur and the obnoxious teens in pajamas until your kids grow tired of them. This article is actually about a classic experiment which illustrates how a child's behavior can be impacted by what they watch and observe.
It's called the Barney versus Power Rangers experiment because researchers arranged for a classroom of preschoolers to watch two different cartoon clips; one day an episode of the popular children's television show Barney and Friends, another an episode of the always entertaining Power Rangers show. They then watched and observed the children's behavior before, during, and after these episodes of fine children's entertainment. The results were revealing, and perhaps a little worrisome. After watching Barney, the children were bouncing up and down, holding hands, singing, dancing, and playing amongst each other, just as they had seen on TV. (I know, scary isn't it?)
After the Power Rangers episode, the same sort of thing happened. Only instead of dancing and playing games, they once again mimicked what they were exposed to. This time around that meant play-fighting with each other, kicking and punching one another, and fashioning swords out of blocks or creating other impromptu weapons from classroom supplies. For those who try to pretend that television has no effect on children, this experiment is about as blatant a rebuke to such ideas as one can come by. (1)
A child's brain is built for mimicry. From the earliest days right after their birth, they begin to studiously observe others. As they watch others do something, an entire system of neurons in their brain (known as mirror neurons) "light up" in response, essentially practicing in the brain what they see and observe with their eyes and ears. Research using fMRI brain imaging technology has shown that watching television can play a person's brain like a puppeteer. (2) As a person watches what is going on, the different areas of their brain associated with those moods or actions light up in response as if they were actually living the experience; so much so that there's little discernible difference between what our brains do when we watch versus what we actually experience. And since a child's primary mode of learning is mimicking what they observe, this makes television a social education device that broadcasts signals directly into your child's brain.
To young children, television is little more than a mimicry machine; a screen bringing a variety of messages and behavior for them to emulate. So just as parents should avoid arguing in front of their children (for much the same reasons...your argument actually plays out inside your child's brain and provides a model for them to emulate} parents need to be conscientious of what is being modeled for their child on television.
Sometimes the emphasis on television violence can be taken too far, however, and we don't intend to hype up the fears beyond practicality. It's not as though your 5-year-old is destined to be a serial killer should they watch one too many Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episodes. Nor is it necessary to keep them from their favorite television program just because it has fight scenes. That would just be mean, and television is but one of many social influences and proper parenting in other regards can overcome a half-hour of cartoon violence. Parents should, however, pay attention to the bulk of what their child is watching, because what they watch does influence them.
In terms of priming children for calm, prosocial behavior, I'm afraid the big purple dinosaur wins out. Even if he does make your ears bleed.
It's called the Barney versus Power Rangers experiment because researchers arranged for a classroom of preschoolers to watch two different cartoon clips; one day an episode of the popular children's television show Barney and Friends, another an episode of the always entertaining Power Rangers show. They then watched and observed the children's behavior before, during, and after these episodes of fine children's entertainment. The results were revealing, and perhaps a little worrisome. After watching Barney, the children were bouncing up and down, holding hands, singing, dancing, and playing amongst each other, just as they had seen on TV. (I know, scary isn't it?)
After the Power Rangers episode, the same sort of thing happened. Only instead of dancing and playing games, they once again mimicked what they were exposed to. This time around that meant play-fighting with each other, kicking and punching one another, and fashioning swords out of blocks or creating other impromptu weapons from classroom supplies. For those who try to pretend that television has no effect on children, this experiment is about as blatant a rebuke to such ideas as one can come by. (1)
A child's brain is built for mimicry. From the earliest days right after their birth, they begin to studiously observe others. As they watch others do something, an entire system of neurons in their brain (known as mirror neurons) "light up" in response, essentially practicing in the brain what they see and observe with their eyes and ears. Research using fMRI brain imaging technology has shown that watching television can play a person's brain like a puppeteer. (2) As a person watches what is going on, the different areas of their brain associated with those moods or actions light up in response as if they were actually living the experience; so much so that there's little discernible difference between what our brains do when we watch versus what we actually experience. And since a child's primary mode of learning is mimicking what they observe, this makes television a social education device that broadcasts signals directly into your child's brain.
To young children, television is little more than a mimicry machine; a screen bringing a variety of messages and behavior for them to emulate. So just as parents should avoid arguing in front of their children (for much the same reasons...your argument actually plays out inside your child's brain and provides a model for them to emulate} parents need to be conscientious of what is being modeled for their child on television.
Sometimes the emphasis on television violence can be taken too far, however, and we don't intend to hype up the fears beyond practicality. It's not as though your 5-year-old is destined to be a serial killer should they watch one too many Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episodes. Nor is it necessary to keep them from their favorite television program just because it has fight scenes. That would just be mean, and television is but one of many social influences and proper parenting in other regards can overcome a half-hour of cartoon violence. Parents should, however, pay attention to the bulk of what their child is watching, because what they watch does influence them.
In terms of priming children for calm, prosocial behavior, I'm afraid the big purple dinosaur wins out. Even if he does make your ears bleed.
Neile McQueen Toffel (aka Neile Adams) Talks About Her Life With Movie Star Husband Steve McQueen
For 15 and a half years Neile McQueen Toffel was Mrs. Steve McQueen,
the woman who shared everything with him. Neile has just re-released, in
a new special 20th Anniversary edition, her highly successful and deeply intimate
1986 memoir of her marriage to Steve, My Husband, My Friend.
In this exclusive interview with McQueenOnline Neile talks candidly about her life with Steve,
her reasons for writing the book, and it's unexpected impact on her life.
MO: There are so many people out there who still, today, are so passionate about Steve McQueen,
even though he's been gone since 1980. As his wife, I guess you wonder why other people get so connected
to somebody they've never met.
Neile: I don't think you can explain that. I think you walk into a room and there's a stranger across the crowded room and you go right to them. So you just never know. But on the other hand,
with Steve and I, because our backgrounds are so similar, I mean because we had all the stuff going on in our lives, it was just a natural chemistry that drew us together. We just understood each other right from the very beginning.
MO: That's a very special thing and it's hard to find.
Neile: Yes, yes... So he moved in with me in a few days time, because it was either me move into his place, which was awful (laughs), or he move into mine, which was fairly good because I was a working Broadway dancer.
MO: When you first released My Husband, My Friend you expressed that you were unhappy with
the books that were out at the time, and that you wanted to clear up misconceptions.
Neile: There were a few things that happened, I mean I didn't really do that to 'set the record straight', I hate that phrase anyway. I just wanted to... just say it the way it was, and also describe him the way he was, because most of those people had never even met him. Like if you look at certain books that came out after mine, most of what they write is taken from my book, and then they give me credit for saying... "Neile said this" and "Neile said that", "according to Neile"... you know what I mean... there's a lot of that shit that drove me crazy (laughs). But there was another writer who said, "I was the only journalist that he would talk to." I mean... I was around at that time, I thought to myself, "when would he meet with Steve, at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning? That's ridiculous."
Also, somehow, I think the very first book on Steve, I believe when he was still doing Wanted, for some crazy reason they put his height at 5'7", which is totally ludicrous. I've got his passports to prove that he was 5'10 1/2", 5'11". And they said, "well he looks tall because you're little." I said, "That's not the point, I always wear heels, too." (laughs) He was the same height as Bob Redford and Paul Newman,
they were all the same height. Like bookends.
MO: People still argue about that today.
Neile: It's ridiculous. And I'm there to tell them that it's not so and they'll argue with me!
And they've never even seen him! It's insane (laughs).
MO: So he was definitely 5'10 1/2"?
Neile: Oh yeah (laughs), in fact the last 2 passports had him at 5'11", I think it depended on his shoes.
MO: A popular legend is the rivalry between Steve McQueen and Paul Newman. Some writers would have it appear that it consumed Steve...
Neile: Oh, it didn't. But when the opportunity would arise, like when it did with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and The Towering Inferno, he would rise to the challenge and say, "Oh shit, this is my chance" (laughs) "I'd better do this". But no, he was not consumed by it. And they were friends... Friendly rivals they were.
MO: There are also several new books on Steve just released or about to be released at the moment.
Neile: Isn't it amazing. Books are starting to come out, so I thought, "well, might as well do it now, and get it out there." I've been talking about this for the last year, and finally I said "OK let's do it." It seems silly not to. Because it's such a good story anyway. And I think... for people reading this book... it will remind them... that there was a tremendous story between these two people.
MO: You've brought the book up to date with present events...
Neile: I changed the cover, and I added a new epilogue, which encompasses
Steve's, my daughter's and my husband's deaths.
MO: You also include more photos?
Neile: And I put more photographs in there, just to update it.
MO: You said that you had to be sensitive when you started to write the book back in 1985 because of Al.
Neile: My husband, yes. He was so kind, and so sweet. Because I had all this stuff inside me that was just waiting to get out, because when Steve died I had just gotten re-married, and it was very difficult to grieve in front of a new husband, so consequently it all started coming out on paper, and Al said "Oh for God's sake, let me get you a word processor, and let's get this out of the way." And he said, "but I'm warning you, this is going to be the end of it, OK, because as much as I love you, and I know you love me, this shit has got to stop." (laughs) So I said "just let me get this out," and true, as soon as my book was over, as soon as the tour was over for the book it was fabulous, it was a fabulous feeling of relief, and then my marriage started with Al really.
MO: So it was a very complete thing for you emotionally.
Neile: Yeah, it was a closure.
MO: You really managed to capture Steve in such a real way that the reader can feel his personality coming through the pages. Can you tell me about the creative process you went through in writing My Husband, My Friend?
Neile: I just did the book from beginning to end, as life unfolded. I had to leave some stuff out, because it got too long, we had to edit out a few things, but on the whole it's all there. I had tons of scrap books - probably about 40 scrapbooks from the time we got married in 1956 till 1968.
So the scrapbooks were there to begin with, and I just would paste everything. So it was our life
together. On top of that I also kept journals, which I still do. And with the scrapbooks and my journals,
when I needed a point of reference, it was pretty easy to really follow it through.
MO: When the book came out in 1986, the Hollywood press were very hard on you for talking about the worst aspects of the marriage breakdown....
Neile: That drove me crazy at the very beginning... they were sort of
unforgiving towards me because I was revealing secrets, so to speak. Priscilla Presley actually started that, and then I did it. But now they understand more... they thought at that point in time I was just calling Steve a wife beater, which is ridiculous. The man never laid a hand on me for the first 14 years of our life together, but the fact that I'd had an affair just really drove him over the edge, and I expected that, really, because I knew him so well, but I didn't think it would destroy our marriage. But it did.
MO: It was a very emotionally "explosive" time for you both...
Neile: Yes, he had... fortunate on one hand and unfortunate on the other...
he had me up on a pedestal, the man really adored me. But he just couldn't help himself as far as the women were concerned, and plus his mid-life crisis coincided with the sexual revolution and the drug culture and all that... I always say that the 'flower children' ruined my life. Because that's when it all really began. While he was discrete in the beginning when he would have a fling here and there, now he would say " well why do I have to hide?" So, anyway, he had me up on this pedestal, and when he found out that I'd had a fling to get even with him, it was difficult for him to take.
For the first 14 years of our lives together he never laid a hand on me. He would explode and he'd be angry and we'd be arguing and all that but he never, never laid a finger on me.
But unfortunately one night, in Le Mans, he gave me some coke. He didn't force me, but he kept saying
"oh please do"... and I was so exhausted and I knew he was not going to let
me go to sleep if I didn't have some coke with him. So I said "OK let me have some." And as soon as I had some.... I don't do any of that stuff, I don't even drink... and it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started to giggle, which was really surprising. And Steve, having the insticts of an animal, he really did have that, he, I think, knew somewhere along the way that his wife had had an affair somewhere... had done something, because he kept saying, "well you know baby, I'd understand. I would really understand if you had because I've put you through hell." And then I said "really honey?" Well, that was all I had to say... that was my big mistake. Because I never, never would have said anything to Steve. But when I said "really," and I suddenly saw that pain in his eyes because he knew... I thought, "Oh my, this feels good," so I kept on, boy, and that was it, that really started the end.
MO: As much as Steve was dealing with his own pain, you were dealing with your own too because you'd gone through a lot.
Neile: The funny thing is, had he not turned violent on me, I would most likely, I would say 90 percent likely, I would have stayed in that marriage and just rode it out until he got tired of all that shit, which eventually they all do. But unfortunately I couldn't handle the terrorizing more than anything else.
MO: His violent response to you was horrible. I believe it's highly likely that you were the only adult link in his life which represented unconditional love.
Neile: Absolutely.
MO: You were the only link that he'd ever had in his life. And when that failed, it was like it devastated some fragile aspect of his soul that he'd been very precariously holding onto all his life. And he snapped.
Neile: That's absolutely correct, and he was never the same after that. And unfortunately for poor Ali, who was really crazy about him... it was a whole different deal, it became a whole different life
altogether. He just let himself go, he let his beard grow, he gained weight... all that stuff... he just didn't care. You know... it was like... I mean I really had done it to him, and I really felt guilty about that, I didn't mean to.
MO: Will you have much creative control over the recently announced upcoming film version of My Husband, My Friend?
Neile: Oh yes. That's the reason this book has never been done, is because I need to have some creative control... especially with the young people today who are emerging as producers, because they don't have the life experience, so they are going to go for the womanizing and the drugs and the violence. I know that is what's going to happen because I've had talks with them, and all they can see is that. They forget that the thrust of this story is the love story between two people, and that other stuff is all sidebars. I'll be consultant. We haven't got a home yet, but we will.
MO: So you're confident that your vision will hit the screens?
Neile: Yes.
MO: Hypothetical Question...Clint Eastwood has made some of his biggest and most successful films in his 60's with The Unforgiven and in his 70's with Million Dollar Baby. If Steve was still alive what sort of films do you think he would have been making?
Neile: He was not a film maker. Steve was too subjective. I don't think he would have been able to produce the way Warren Beatty or Clint Eastwood do. That's why Le Mans was such a disaster. I mean, now it's become a cult film, because of the racing and all that, but he couldn't even decide on the leading lady for God's sake, but of course all 'the problems' were arising then, so maybe I'm short changing Steve in that area, but I don't think so... because he did a lot of directing for Tom Horn. (editorial comment: Tom Horn is a great but deeply flawed film.) He was wonderful with details, you know, but he didn't have the overall vision that Clint Eastwood does.
MO: Then as an actor (you played a major part in helping him pick his best roles) what sort of roles would you have had him play in his 50's and 60's?
Neile: That I don't know, I would have had to read the script, but certainly... play his age.
I wouldn't have had him playing opposite a 20-year-old when he was 60 pretending to be 30.
MO: Do you think he would have turned into a good character actor?
Neile: He really was a fabulous actor. And that Enemy of the People, when he first told me about it, I forgot about Ibsen, I was thinking, "Oh, OK... he's doing a western." But when he took me to see it, and I suddenly realised what I was looking at... I didn't even recognise him for the first seven minutes I think, and I finally said, "My God, is that you?" He said, "shut up!" (laughs) Cuz he was fat, and he's got this beard, and these glasses. But once I settled down, settled back and just relaxed to see what was going on... I mean he really did work hard on it... he had a kid working with him from UCLA for his lines and all that stuff. But he was wonderful, he was very good, but it was just not the sort of thing people would come to see Steve in.
MO: Why do you think he made An Enemy of the People?
Neile He had to do a film for First Artists, he owed them that, and they kept saying "you've got to do a movie... you've got to do another movie for us." And one day, at Ali's and Steve's house... there were some books there... and he grabbed a book and he said, "OK this one," he opened the pages and he said, "I'm gonna do this one," and it happened to be An Enemy of the People. It's as simple as that.
MO: You mean to say that it could have been any book in the pile?
Neile: It could have been any book (laughs).
MO: Would you say there was an animosity towards First Artists?
Neile: He was just irritated at the company telling him "you've GOT to do a picture". He owed them one picture. The Getaway was a First Artists picture, and he owed them another picture, and this was already 1978 (laughs).
MO: You were very influential in helping Steve pick his best films. I think the last role you chose for him, the title role in Papillon, represents the peak of his career...
Neile: You know how that happened to be... My decorator read Papillon, and he gave it to me, he said "read this Neile, I think it might just be great for Steve," and it was. Steve was concerned about the accent, because it happens on Devil's Island which is a French region. And I said, "look, I saw a movie with Humphrey Bogart about Devil's Island, everybody spoke with an American accent, but it was believed... everybody believed they were in a French colony." So that's why nobody had an accent in Papillon. He was fabulous in that movie, I don't know why he didn't get nominated.
MO: You're still performing yourself, you're still singing, and you've got four CD's available at the moment.
Neile: I do. I've got another one coming up soon too. We're working on it now.
MO: Can you give any details about the songs on the new CD?
Neile: You know I do, almost always, Broadway show tunes, but the opening this time, for me, which is a departure from what I do, is a Keith Urban song called 'I Wanna Love Somebody Like You.' And so I tried that, and I think it turned out OK. But then the rest are show tunes. It generally details the story of my life. I've got a section there which I call the bio-medley which is a series of songs about me and Steve from the time we met.
the woman who shared everything with him. Neile has just re-released, in
a new special 20th Anniversary edition, her highly successful and deeply intimate
1986 memoir of her marriage to Steve, My Husband, My Friend.
In this exclusive interview with McQueenOnline Neile talks candidly about her life with Steve,
her reasons for writing the book, and it's unexpected impact on her life.
MO: There are so many people out there who still, today, are so passionate about Steve McQueen,
even though he's been gone since 1980. As his wife, I guess you wonder why other people get so connected
to somebody they've never met.
Neile: I don't think you can explain that. I think you walk into a room and there's a stranger across the crowded room and you go right to them. So you just never know. But on the other hand,
with Steve and I, because our backgrounds are so similar, I mean because we had all the stuff going on in our lives, it was just a natural chemistry that drew us together. We just understood each other right from the very beginning.
MO: That's a very special thing and it's hard to find.
Neile: Yes, yes... So he moved in with me in a few days time, because it was either me move into his place, which was awful (laughs), or he move into mine, which was fairly good because I was a working Broadway dancer.
MO: When you first released My Husband, My Friend you expressed that you were unhappy with
the books that were out at the time, and that you wanted to clear up misconceptions.
Neile: There were a few things that happened, I mean I didn't really do that to 'set the record straight', I hate that phrase anyway. I just wanted to... just say it the way it was, and also describe him the way he was, because most of those people had never even met him. Like if you look at certain books that came out after mine, most of what they write is taken from my book, and then they give me credit for saying... "Neile said this" and "Neile said that", "according to Neile"... you know what I mean... there's a lot of that shit that drove me crazy (laughs). But there was another writer who said, "I was the only journalist that he would talk to." I mean... I was around at that time, I thought to myself, "when would he meet with Steve, at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning? That's ridiculous."
Also, somehow, I think the very first book on Steve, I believe when he was still doing Wanted, for some crazy reason they put his height at 5'7", which is totally ludicrous. I've got his passports to prove that he was 5'10 1/2", 5'11". And they said, "well he looks tall because you're little." I said, "That's not the point, I always wear heels, too." (laughs) He was the same height as Bob Redford and Paul Newman,
they were all the same height. Like bookends.
MO: People still argue about that today.
Neile: It's ridiculous. And I'm there to tell them that it's not so and they'll argue with me!
And they've never even seen him! It's insane (laughs).
MO: So he was definitely 5'10 1/2"?
Neile: Oh yeah (laughs), in fact the last 2 passports had him at 5'11", I think it depended on his shoes.
MO: A popular legend is the rivalry between Steve McQueen and Paul Newman. Some writers would have it appear that it consumed Steve...
Neile: Oh, it didn't. But when the opportunity would arise, like when it did with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and The Towering Inferno, he would rise to the challenge and say, "Oh shit, this is my chance" (laughs) "I'd better do this". But no, he was not consumed by it. And they were friends... Friendly rivals they were.
MO: There are also several new books on Steve just released or about to be released at the moment.
Neile: Isn't it amazing. Books are starting to come out, so I thought, "well, might as well do it now, and get it out there." I've been talking about this for the last year, and finally I said "OK let's do it." It seems silly not to. Because it's such a good story anyway. And I think... for people reading this book... it will remind them... that there was a tremendous story between these two people.
MO: You've brought the book up to date with present events...
Neile: I changed the cover, and I added a new epilogue, which encompasses
Steve's, my daughter's and my husband's deaths.
MO: You also include more photos?
Neile: And I put more photographs in there, just to update it.
MO: You said that you had to be sensitive when you started to write the book back in 1985 because of Al.
Neile: My husband, yes. He was so kind, and so sweet. Because I had all this stuff inside me that was just waiting to get out, because when Steve died I had just gotten re-married, and it was very difficult to grieve in front of a new husband, so consequently it all started coming out on paper, and Al said "Oh for God's sake, let me get you a word processor, and let's get this out of the way." And he said, "but I'm warning you, this is going to be the end of it, OK, because as much as I love you, and I know you love me, this shit has got to stop." (laughs) So I said "just let me get this out," and true, as soon as my book was over, as soon as the tour was over for the book it was fabulous, it was a fabulous feeling of relief, and then my marriage started with Al really.
MO: So it was a very complete thing for you emotionally.
Neile: Yeah, it was a closure.
MO: You really managed to capture Steve in such a real way that the reader can feel his personality coming through the pages. Can you tell me about the creative process you went through in writing My Husband, My Friend?
Neile: I just did the book from beginning to end, as life unfolded. I had to leave some stuff out, because it got too long, we had to edit out a few things, but on the whole it's all there. I had tons of scrap books - probably about 40 scrapbooks from the time we got married in 1956 till 1968.
So the scrapbooks were there to begin with, and I just would paste everything. So it was our life
together. On top of that I also kept journals, which I still do. And with the scrapbooks and my journals,
when I needed a point of reference, it was pretty easy to really follow it through.
MO: When the book came out in 1986, the Hollywood press were very hard on you for talking about the worst aspects of the marriage breakdown....
Neile: That drove me crazy at the very beginning... they were sort of
unforgiving towards me because I was revealing secrets, so to speak. Priscilla Presley actually started that, and then I did it. But now they understand more... they thought at that point in time I was just calling Steve a wife beater, which is ridiculous. The man never laid a hand on me for the first 14 years of our life together, but the fact that I'd had an affair just really drove him over the edge, and I expected that, really, because I knew him so well, but I didn't think it would destroy our marriage. But it did.
MO: It was a very emotionally "explosive" time for you both...
Neile: Yes, he had... fortunate on one hand and unfortunate on the other...
he had me up on a pedestal, the man really adored me. But he just couldn't help himself as far as the women were concerned, and plus his mid-life crisis coincided with the sexual revolution and the drug culture and all that... I always say that the 'flower children' ruined my life. Because that's when it all really began. While he was discrete in the beginning when he would have a fling here and there, now he would say " well why do I have to hide?" So, anyway, he had me up on this pedestal, and when he found out that I'd had a fling to get even with him, it was difficult for him to take.
For the first 14 years of our lives together he never laid a hand on me. He would explode and he'd be angry and we'd be arguing and all that but he never, never laid a finger on me.
But unfortunately one night, in Le Mans, he gave me some coke. He didn't force me, but he kept saying
"oh please do"... and I was so exhausted and I knew he was not going to let
me go to sleep if I didn't have some coke with him. So I said "OK let me have some." And as soon as I had some.... I don't do any of that stuff, I don't even drink... and it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started to giggle, which was really surprising. And Steve, having the insticts of an animal, he really did have that, he, I think, knew somewhere along the way that his wife had had an affair somewhere... had done something, because he kept saying, "well you know baby, I'd understand. I would really understand if you had because I've put you through hell." And then I said "really honey?" Well, that was all I had to say... that was my big mistake. Because I never, never would have said anything to Steve. But when I said "really," and I suddenly saw that pain in his eyes because he knew... I thought, "Oh my, this feels good," so I kept on, boy, and that was it, that really started the end.
MO: As much as Steve was dealing with his own pain, you were dealing with your own too because you'd gone through a lot.
Neile: The funny thing is, had he not turned violent on me, I would most likely, I would say 90 percent likely, I would have stayed in that marriage and just rode it out until he got tired of all that shit, which eventually they all do. But unfortunately I couldn't handle the terrorizing more than anything else.
MO: His violent response to you was horrible. I believe it's highly likely that you were the only adult link in his life which represented unconditional love.
Neile: Absolutely.
MO: You were the only link that he'd ever had in his life. And when that failed, it was like it devastated some fragile aspect of his soul that he'd been very precariously holding onto all his life. And he snapped.
Neile: That's absolutely correct, and he was never the same after that. And unfortunately for poor Ali, who was really crazy about him... it was a whole different deal, it became a whole different life
altogether. He just let himself go, he let his beard grow, he gained weight... all that stuff... he just didn't care. You know... it was like... I mean I really had done it to him, and I really felt guilty about that, I didn't mean to.
MO: Will you have much creative control over the recently announced upcoming film version of My Husband, My Friend?
Neile: Oh yes. That's the reason this book has never been done, is because I need to have some creative control... especially with the young people today who are emerging as producers, because they don't have the life experience, so they are going to go for the womanizing and the drugs and the violence. I know that is what's going to happen because I've had talks with them, and all they can see is that. They forget that the thrust of this story is the love story between two people, and that other stuff is all sidebars. I'll be consultant. We haven't got a home yet, but we will.
MO: So you're confident that your vision will hit the screens?
Neile: Yes.
MO: Hypothetical Question...Clint Eastwood has made some of his biggest and most successful films in his 60's with The Unforgiven and in his 70's with Million Dollar Baby. If Steve was still alive what sort of films do you think he would have been making?
Neile: He was not a film maker. Steve was too subjective. I don't think he would have been able to produce the way Warren Beatty or Clint Eastwood do. That's why Le Mans was such a disaster. I mean, now it's become a cult film, because of the racing and all that, but he couldn't even decide on the leading lady for God's sake, but of course all 'the problems' were arising then, so maybe I'm short changing Steve in that area, but I don't think so... because he did a lot of directing for Tom Horn. (editorial comment: Tom Horn is a great but deeply flawed film.) He was wonderful with details, you know, but he didn't have the overall vision that Clint Eastwood does.
MO: Then as an actor (you played a major part in helping him pick his best roles) what sort of roles would you have had him play in his 50's and 60's?
Neile: That I don't know, I would have had to read the script, but certainly... play his age.
I wouldn't have had him playing opposite a 20-year-old when he was 60 pretending to be 30.
MO: Do you think he would have turned into a good character actor?
Neile: He really was a fabulous actor. And that Enemy of the People, when he first told me about it, I forgot about Ibsen, I was thinking, "Oh, OK... he's doing a western." But when he took me to see it, and I suddenly realised what I was looking at... I didn't even recognise him for the first seven minutes I think, and I finally said, "My God, is that you?" He said, "shut up!" (laughs) Cuz he was fat, and he's got this beard, and these glasses. But once I settled down, settled back and just relaxed to see what was going on... I mean he really did work hard on it... he had a kid working with him from UCLA for his lines and all that stuff. But he was wonderful, he was very good, but it was just not the sort of thing people would come to see Steve in.
MO: Why do you think he made An Enemy of the People?
Neile He had to do a film for First Artists, he owed them that, and they kept saying "you've got to do a movie... you've got to do another movie for us." And one day, at Ali's and Steve's house... there were some books there... and he grabbed a book and he said, "OK this one," he opened the pages and he said, "I'm gonna do this one," and it happened to be An Enemy of the People. It's as simple as that.
MO: You mean to say that it could have been any book in the pile?
Neile: It could have been any book (laughs).
MO: Would you say there was an animosity towards First Artists?
Neile: He was just irritated at the company telling him "you've GOT to do a picture". He owed them one picture. The Getaway was a First Artists picture, and he owed them another picture, and this was already 1978 (laughs).
MO: You were very influential in helping Steve pick his best films. I think the last role you chose for him, the title role in Papillon, represents the peak of his career...
Neile: You know how that happened to be... My decorator read Papillon, and he gave it to me, he said "read this Neile, I think it might just be great for Steve," and it was. Steve was concerned about the accent, because it happens on Devil's Island which is a French region. And I said, "look, I saw a movie with Humphrey Bogart about Devil's Island, everybody spoke with an American accent, but it was believed... everybody believed they were in a French colony." So that's why nobody had an accent in Papillon. He was fabulous in that movie, I don't know why he didn't get nominated.
MO: You're still performing yourself, you're still singing, and you've got four CD's available at the moment.
Neile: I do. I've got another one coming up soon too. We're working on it now.
MO: Can you give any details about the songs on the new CD?
Neile: You know I do, almost always, Broadway show tunes, but the opening this time, for me, which is a departure from what I do, is a Keith Urban song called 'I Wanna Love Somebody Like You.' And so I tried that, and I think it turned out OK. But then the rest are show tunes. It generally details the story of my life. I've got a section there which I call the bio-medley which is a series of songs about me and Steve from the time we met.
Why Won't He Say I Love You?
On a second date with a woman I was surprised that she decided to ask me the most difficult question that you could ask a man. She asked "Do you love me?" I paused for a moment to figure out what I was going to say. Do I lie and say yes? or do I tell the truth and say no, is this a loaded question with no correct answer I was thinking?
I collected my thoughts and said "I don't know yet, this is only our second date". This came from my heart and was the truth, I could not possibly tell a woman on the second date whether I love her or not. Asking me just creeped me out completely and put me in an awkward position, where I did not know what to say. Her manner just completely changed when I gave my reply, all of a sudden she just went into a stroppy mood. In the end she just ended up walking out. I thought maybe she just wanted a way to end the date, so she decided to sabotage it. This idea was thrown out the window a few weeks later, when she contacted me again and said she would give it another go. As if I had done something wrong by telling her the truth and she was giving me a second chance.
So why did I have so much difficulty saying the words "I love you"? Well first of all I would have been lying, second of all she was asking me far too soon, after just two dates. Most important of all to a man it would have signalled a new era in the relationship where you move from dating to an extreme closeness where both of you have to contact each other everyday and know what each other is doing. I would not have had a problem saying the words I love you, if I meant it, if we were in an established relationship and if I was prepared to move the relationship onto the next stage.
In General though, men hate the words "I love you", men hate emotional stuff!
There are men that will say "I love you" just to please you, when they don't mean it.
There are men that will say "I love you" and mean it.
There are men that won't say "I love you" because they can't say it with meaning.
There are men that won't say "I love you" because they find it too difficult to say those words.
All men will particularly hate saying the words "I love you" in front of their male friends. Men hate emotional things and by saying it in front of their friends it makes them look and sound like a wimp and means their friends will be making fun of them up until the point where your relationship has ended.
My advice: don't ask him too early on in the relationship whether he loves you. Men who really are in love with you, will usually pluck up the courage to say it to you eventually anyway, when they feel right saying it and when they are not with their friends or in a public place. Most men find it difficult to express emotional stuff, so don't make it even more difficult for him. They won't be saying those words because they enjoy saying them, they will be saying them because they want to please you.
If he says that he can't answer that yet, at least he is being honest. He does not want to say "I love you" because he is confused and because he thinks he won't mean it. At least if he says "I love you" in the future you know he means it!
To women "I love you" are powerful words, to a man, it is just boring emotional stuff, that he prefers not to deal with, but he has to say "I love you" to satisfy a woman's needs.
I collected my thoughts and said "I don't know yet, this is only our second date". This came from my heart and was the truth, I could not possibly tell a woman on the second date whether I love her or not. Asking me just creeped me out completely and put me in an awkward position, where I did not know what to say. Her manner just completely changed when I gave my reply, all of a sudden she just went into a stroppy mood. In the end she just ended up walking out. I thought maybe she just wanted a way to end the date, so she decided to sabotage it. This idea was thrown out the window a few weeks later, when she contacted me again and said she would give it another go. As if I had done something wrong by telling her the truth and she was giving me a second chance.
So why did I have so much difficulty saying the words "I love you"? Well first of all I would have been lying, second of all she was asking me far too soon, after just two dates. Most important of all to a man it would have signalled a new era in the relationship where you move from dating to an extreme closeness where both of you have to contact each other everyday and know what each other is doing. I would not have had a problem saying the words I love you, if I meant it, if we were in an established relationship and if I was prepared to move the relationship onto the next stage.
In General though, men hate the words "I love you", men hate emotional stuff!
There are men that will say "I love you" just to please you, when they don't mean it.
There are men that will say "I love you" and mean it.
There are men that won't say "I love you" because they can't say it with meaning.
There are men that won't say "I love you" because they find it too difficult to say those words.
All men will particularly hate saying the words "I love you" in front of their male friends. Men hate emotional things and by saying it in front of their friends it makes them look and sound like a wimp and means their friends will be making fun of them up until the point where your relationship has ended.
My advice: don't ask him too early on in the relationship whether he loves you. Men who really are in love with you, will usually pluck up the courage to say it to you eventually anyway, when they feel right saying it and when they are not with their friends or in a public place. Most men find it difficult to express emotional stuff, so don't make it even more difficult for him. They won't be saying those words because they enjoy saying them, they will be saying them because they want to please you.
If he says that he can't answer that yet, at least he is being honest. He does not want to say "I love you" because he is confused and because he thinks he won't mean it. At least if he says "I love you" in the future you know he means it!
To women "I love you" are powerful words, to a man, it is just boring emotional stuff, that he prefers not to deal with, but he has to say "I love you" to satisfy a woman's needs.
The Diverse 90s - Classic Songs From Grunge to Teen Pop Madness
The 90s were certainly a strange period in the history of music. Perhaps this is due to the wide variety of genres and styles that emerged during the decade or perhaps it's because not one artist or genre seems to define the decade.
The beginning of the 90s was characterized by the rise of grunge and alternative rock into the mainstream and the disappearance of classic rock. The lead band of this genre was by far Nirvana with their classic song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" becoming an anthem for a generation. While grunge would disappear from the mainstream, alternative rock would continue throughout the 90s until today with bands such as Green Day and Blink 182.
For the first time ever, urban pop began to constantly dominate the charts, at least in North America. Artists such as Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey and TLC were almost a constant presence on the radio, and continue to inspire today's RnB artists with songs such as "One Sweet Day" or "No Scrubs". Urban pop arguably dominates the charts today more than ever before.
Hip-hop also made its mainstream debut in the 90s and today has a permanent place in contemporary music. The pioneers from this period include the Notorious B.I.G., MC Hammer, 2Pac and Snopp Dogg. Notable classic songs from this era include "Changes" from 2Pac and "Gangsta's Paradise" from Coolio.
Teen pop made a comeback in the late 90s, bigger than it ever was in the late 80s and early 90s. Bands such as the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls and singers such as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were an undeniable presence on the airwaves and charts. Such artists defined the late 90s while all other genres took a backseat. Classic songs from this genre include "Baby One More Time" from Britney Spears, "Wannabe" from the Spice Girls and "As Long As You Love Me" from the Backstreet Boys.
I like to define the 90s like a fruit and vegetable salad, it was essentially a mix of so many genres and styles never seen before, but which did produce some memorable and classic songs.
The beginning of the 90s was characterized by the rise of grunge and alternative rock into the mainstream and the disappearance of classic rock. The lead band of this genre was by far Nirvana with their classic song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" becoming an anthem for a generation. While grunge would disappear from the mainstream, alternative rock would continue throughout the 90s until today with bands such as Green Day and Blink 182.
For the first time ever, urban pop began to constantly dominate the charts, at least in North America. Artists such as Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey and TLC were almost a constant presence on the radio, and continue to inspire today's RnB artists with songs such as "One Sweet Day" or "No Scrubs". Urban pop arguably dominates the charts today more than ever before.
Hip-hop also made its mainstream debut in the 90s and today has a permanent place in contemporary music. The pioneers from this period include the Notorious B.I.G., MC Hammer, 2Pac and Snopp Dogg. Notable classic songs from this era include "Changes" from 2Pac and "Gangsta's Paradise" from Coolio.
Teen pop made a comeback in the late 90s, bigger than it ever was in the late 80s and early 90s. Bands such as the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls and singers such as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were an undeniable presence on the airwaves and charts. Such artists defined the late 90s while all other genres took a backseat. Classic songs from this genre include "Baby One More Time" from Britney Spears, "Wannabe" from the Spice Girls and "As Long As You Love Me" from the Backstreet Boys.
I like to define the 90s like a fruit and vegetable salad, it was essentially a mix of so many genres and styles never seen before, but which did produce some memorable and classic songs.
When She's Lost Interest - How to Turn Her ON!
Do you ever wonder why the woman you're with suddenly withdraws her sexual interest?
Do you ever wonder if it's something you did or could have avoided?
The good news is that this unfortunately all-too-common dilemma can be avoided, simply by understanding how sexual dynamics work.
If you're like 99 percent of red-blooded men, you've probably said or thought something like this in your lifetime: "I'm always ready for sex."
Maybe you told your partner, "Anytime." And if you're like a lot of men, you reminder her of this everyday, yet it doesn't increase her desire to have sex with you.
It seems normal to want sex all the time - if you're a man. But women find such exuberance suspect. For women, the desire for sex is driven by so many shifting external and emotional factors that to be always "on" and always "hot" seems a bit disconnected from everything else.
The question that comes to women's minds is: "Can this be love?"
Often when I help clients explore their always-ready sexual pattern, there's an unconscious belief that a man "should" be ready. He "should" be ready because he's a man and men are supposed to want sex - any kind of sex, anytime. Even if they're not attracted, even if they're married, even if there's no emotional connection.
For men, "fear of scarcity" also affects readiness. "I'd better take it while I can get it."
Even men who are married and get a good deal of sex or, who have enjoyed success with women casually, still have this always-ready switch turned to "on." Having a lot of sex doesn't guarantee a man will relax and bask in his abundance.
A man's constant need, want and eager "trot to the gate" is not only exhausting, but leaves no room for a woman to want. Just as a man's perception of scarcity fires him up to be a ready and eager partner, a woman's lack of scarcity leaves her without an appetite. She lives at a virtual sexual buffet, where sex is always on the table.
A woman wants to be desired, make no mistake about that, but your being primed at the gate is not about your desire for her. She perceives this as more about you and your pressing physical urges. So issuing a "no" is easy for her.
How to Become the Lover She Wants
If you're under 50, testosterone can drive you to want sex, a lot. It can override your ability to think clearly and to be present. Until you reign in your sexual energy and master it, your sex drive will run you and negatively effect how your partner feels about being sexual with you.
Listen to your woman when she says: "All you ever care about is sex" because the deeper communication is: "I don't believe you love me. You only want me for sex." She can sense the difference between your instinct to release, and your desire to make love to her.
It requires know-how and practice to master your innate, primal sexual desire. As you work on mastering this, you can also gain the skills for mastering your orgasm and ejaculation.
Your ability to "master" your instinctual urges makes a woman feel safe, and feel respect for you. When she feels safe, that you in "in control" of your sexual experience, she can open herself up completely to you, and to her own pleasure.
By mastering your sexual domain, you demonstrate love and a desire to express love, and this will turn any woman into a more interested lover.
Do you ever wonder if it's something you did or could have avoided?
The good news is that this unfortunately all-too-common dilemma can be avoided, simply by understanding how sexual dynamics work.
If you're like 99 percent of red-blooded men, you've probably said or thought something like this in your lifetime: "I'm always ready for sex."
Maybe you told your partner, "Anytime." And if you're like a lot of men, you reminder her of this everyday, yet it doesn't increase her desire to have sex with you.
It seems normal to want sex all the time - if you're a man. But women find such exuberance suspect. For women, the desire for sex is driven by so many shifting external and emotional factors that to be always "on" and always "hot" seems a bit disconnected from everything else.
The question that comes to women's minds is: "Can this be love?"
Often when I help clients explore their always-ready sexual pattern, there's an unconscious belief that a man "should" be ready. He "should" be ready because he's a man and men are supposed to want sex - any kind of sex, anytime. Even if they're not attracted, even if they're married, even if there's no emotional connection.
For men, "fear of scarcity" also affects readiness. "I'd better take it while I can get it."
Even men who are married and get a good deal of sex or, who have enjoyed success with women casually, still have this always-ready switch turned to "on." Having a lot of sex doesn't guarantee a man will relax and bask in his abundance.
A man's constant need, want and eager "trot to the gate" is not only exhausting, but leaves no room for a woman to want. Just as a man's perception of scarcity fires him up to be a ready and eager partner, a woman's lack of scarcity leaves her without an appetite. She lives at a virtual sexual buffet, where sex is always on the table.
A woman wants to be desired, make no mistake about that, but your being primed at the gate is not about your desire for her. She perceives this as more about you and your pressing physical urges. So issuing a "no" is easy for her.
How to Become the Lover She Wants
If you're under 50, testosterone can drive you to want sex, a lot. It can override your ability to think clearly and to be present. Until you reign in your sexual energy and master it, your sex drive will run you and negatively effect how your partner feels about being sexual with you.
Listen to your woman when she says: "All you ever care about is sex" because the deeper communication is: "I don't believe you love me. You only want me for sex." She can sense the difference between your instinct to release, and your desire to make love to her.
It requires know-how and practice to master your innate, primal sexual desire. As you work on mastering this, you can also gain the skills for mastering your orgasm and ejaculation.
Your ability to "master" your instinctual urges makes a woman feel safe, and feel respect for you. When she feels safe, that you in "in control" of your sexual experience, she can open herself up completely to you, and to her own pleasure.
By mastering your sexual domain, you demonstrate love and a desire to express love, and this will turn any woman into a more interested lover.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)