The Paradox of Wanting to Be "Loved"

Written in the first person for a self-responsible experience. Own what fits, throw out the rest. I don't want be too quick to throw out the baby with the bathwater 'cause then what I've got is a screaming child and emptiness.

Many of my behaviours set me up to be rejected and unloved by the very people whose acceptance and love I most desire.

If I win, I lose.

This is the inevitable result of the paradox of wanting (actually demanding) to be loved.

This paradox is like the fly on flypaper.

The more I fight it, the more I get stuck.

The more I deny it, the more I cut off my ability to love freely.

As an adult, I pay dearly for my negative identification with my parents -- or other adults whom I feel wronged by.

In effect, I sell my soul in the hopes of being loved.

I answer the question, "Do I have to give up myself in order to be loved?" with a resounding "YES!" -- with the added demand -- "and you BETTER love me back because i have given up my soul for you!!"

In my relationships, I -- without knowing it -- try to recapture Mommy's or Daddy's, what passed for, "love."

This so-called "love" was probably 80% control and 20% an incompetent attempt to be loving.

I learn that this so-called "love" is what I must do so that:

(a) I believe I am lovable;
(b) You will love me; and
(c) I can show you that love you.

Problem is, it ain't love, it just looks that way.

So, I choose partners who manifest the "loving" traits of Mommy or Daddy.

By doing that I choose the path of experiencing feeling unloved.

Feeling a little crazy right now?

Yup! Exactly.

Projecting my parents unconsciously and automatically onto our lovers, authority-figures, clients, bosses, friends, colleagues, or teachers is "ghosting."

By "Ghosting" I recreate my early so-called "loving" (actually, controlling, incompetent loving) family system.

With "ghosting" I create "The Bank Account Relationship."

I'll deposit some love in your bank. I expect it back -- with interest -- when I demand a withdrawal from you.

It goes like this:

"I am being loving.";

"Therefore I am lovable!";

"Because I am lovable, you the must love me back!";

"Then I will be able to love you."

By "ghosting" the horror of the so-called "love" (which is actually 80% control and 20% an incompetent) my relationships go off the rails.

My desired, expected destination was "love." My actual destination is loneliness & isolation. The experience is resistance, conflict, and rejecting or being rejected, heartbreak, and loss.

As an adult I, when I feel unlovable, believe you don't love me, so I won't love you back. In response, I act like frightened 5-year-old who would do almost anything to avoid pain, all-the-while- resisting help. All-the-while denying what's really going on.

Think of the screaming kid in the grocery store having a full-on tantrum as mom or dad helplessly try to reason, or punish the kid into submission.

As an adult I do not really have to withdraw, punish or pretend that the pain of feeling unlovable and unloved does not exist, but when I'm drowning in bad feelings resurrected over the so-called "love" thing I feel like I'm drowning.

And like the flailing, drowning swimmer who is being rescued, s/he -- in her/his panic -- takes the rescuer down with her or him.

Fact is, a child can drown in a foot of water.

But as an adult if I can get a grip on my self and look at the "reality" of the situation, the water is only up to my ankles. I'm right on shore (self-awareness).

Then I can deal with the difficulties of love and relationships (that requires a great deal of courage to activate my self-awareness into behavioural self-management).

Because I am only ankle deep, not drowning, I no longer have to spend my life avoiding the sources of the problems in my life, afraid that facing my pain will hurt too much and hoping that it will somehow just disappear because you love me.

Our families, by modeling that they were incapable of dealing with love, suffering, and other human experiences -- misled me about what is love.

Due to their own childhood programming, my family did not know how to nourish me so I could grow my unique self.

That is no reason for me to do the same to my self and those whom I am attempting to be with.

I can learn to deal with these things -- the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful that life serves up -- should I choose to "grow up" to take the assignment.

I can extract my self from my flypaper attachment to the paradox of wanting to be loved -- with a little help from my friends.