You Say You Love Me?

In the 1980's a popular band sang "don't tell me you love me," to teenagers and twenty somethings across the American landscape. As a teen in that generation, I echoed the sentiment, wondering how the love that came my way always seemed to end in pain and confusion. Throughout my own twenty/thirty something race, I learned more about love and life, often the hard way. In the moments that followed the pain of divorce, clarity to the need of communication dawned bright.

As a "forty something" trekking toward fifty with a vengeance, I have found that the most imperative definition for love comes from the Greek understanding of God's agape love for His creation. Two of the most well known phrases in the new testament speak of God's love. John 3:16 offers the most important eternal truth of all time with the simple phrase "For God so loved the world." Jesus added the commandment "Love your neighbor as you would love yourself," written with a first person Greek understanding of the term "love." Love, then, is seeking the other person's highest good - regardless of the cost to yourself - is the truest form of love, and one that I understand. Here are five hard hitting and honest principals that will help you build healthy relationships.

1. Learn my language. Brian and I do not communicate the same way. Compounded by gender, many husband and wives are also "emotional and approach" opposites. I am highly conceptual, Brian is empirical. I love words, Brian numbers. We have learned over a decade of life to respect one another differences and likeness. We know what is important to one another, even when it is not the same within each of us. Brian doesn't necessarily need my verbal affirmations, although they are important. I work between ministry and the restaurant for most of the hours of a day...it is natural then that it is my time that he needs, alone time that doesn't involve the world of work. Brian needs relaxation, down time. I am all go, scheduled and driven. It is my love for Brian that seeds time into mini-vacations, long afternoon drives and midnight movies. If I was the person making all the decisions all time time, we would live on 24 hour work overload. What are the primary needs for the person that you're intent upon showing true love? It's not only important to know the connection points with your mate and family...you need to know the trigger points for emotional upset that are based on the core fears that every person holds. Work regularly toward shoring up the confidence level of your loved one in areas where one another is weak. Remember, the first person who yells has lost. Everyone has a level of fear; be responsible for your own emotions and let your loved ones be responsible for theirs. Communicate with you mate without fear...and be someone who can be communicated with and be trusted. Never betray the trust of your loved one by relating sensitive topics outside that relationship. The first step in communication is listening, without becoming hurt or emotional.

2. I know who I am, and remain stable. Stability is important in relationships, but is hard to navigate. Investing in your understanding is important. As an example, I have spent time studying the concept of "love languages" and the psychology of how people grow in books by Dr. Gary Smalley, Dr.'s Henry Cloud and John Townsend. All have great websites with lots of free but fantastic resources, each is a fantastic author. It's important that you research the people you read to make sure that they have the credentials...academic or life driven....to hand out advice. It took several months of committed communication to find out what my true love model is, a tough discovery for a woman who spends all of her time focused on others well being. My own higher good is found in acts of service, on all fronts. My family shows their love for me in small ways that mean a lot to my hectic pace, and that alleviate stress. Mom will often go out of her way to fix family dinner on Monday when the restaurant is closed. Brian fuels and maintains the car that I drive, and the girls will pitch in with the laundry. As seminary semesters wind down, the family goes into "study mode," when each person in the family will argue or assist theological questions just to help me think through a particular topic. This environment creates a web of togetherness that helps maintain stability. We are open to help one another all of the time, without censure and judgment. As a person with a long term battle with anxiety and depression, it is important to me that I do not get overwhelmed, something that my family understands well. It is in this togetherness that we show true love.

3. Honesty is not about guilt. I am, like most people, guilty of being human. This is to say that I can say the wrong thing, understand the wrong concept, and in general create chaos in my own life. Every one has trials in life, regardless of their dedication to love. Love can become contaminated, though, if it is used for the purpose of guilt. If your confession of truthful pain causes another to react in a "desired" manner, you may have become guilty of manipulation. Guilt isn't love, but a harmful side affect of abusing the principal foundation of love. When my family helps with responsibilities I normally maintain, I have to make sure that I do not take advantage of their willingness to participate by over emphasizing me own level of work or need. While I appreciate the contribution of helps, I also appreciate the ability to keep my house or preform acts of service for other members of my family. I often recommend that each person look diligently and honestly into relationships for healthy communication. Identify circumstances where you might find manipulation, or an imbalance of one person giving selflessly to the position of harm. Address it honestly, constructively. Love should not harm, but build.

1. Seek counseling, accountability. There is little in the world that is more important than your family, and those relationships that are formed with those you love. What plan for growth do you have? Every journey requires direction. There are many forms of constructive counseling that are available at various costs, and not all are "psychological." Great bible studies are available from real people like Beth Moore. Self help books are topping the charts, from stable people like Dr. Townsend and Cloud, or down to earth advice from Pastor Joyce Meyer. Churches offer life groups with emphasis on particular aspects of growth. Get plugged in to a local congregation that resonates with your family and who offers small group meetings through the week. Talk openly with your family about what you can do corporately to improve the family function and strength. Build accountability to communicate by structuring the family time that suits you, as a couple and with your extended family in the household. Currently, our entire family is working in pairs and independently through the Messenger International curriculum called Honor's Reward by best selling author John Bevere. If you're one of those ultra-busy people, make sure that you take time to have fun with your loved ones. Pick something constructive and decent to participate in, including fun puzzles, board games, decent movies, and low cost trips to places like the park, on picnics and family dinner time. Axe the TV trays for a real table, turn off the electronics ~including the cell phones~ and talk to one another.

2. Commit. I recently counseled a young woman who was upset with her new husband for his lack of communications capability. Without understanding the differences in their ability to connect, she attempted to force him to meet her needs. Not understanding how to meet his needs, she became frustrated with the relationship over all. The word "divorce" was a ready alternative to learning to communicate. Have we made it to easy to throw in the towel? It is true that there are instances when a relationship is formed on very poor foundations, doomed to failure once the physical wears off. If you love someone, however, there is a need to understand that commitment requires faith in the hard times. Relationships are not easy. You will often give more than you get. Love, that seeking the highest good for one another, endures all scripture tells us. It isn't easily offended, it doesn't fade, it doesn't quit. So resolve to yourself that there is no need to trade your mate out for a less difficult model when the going gets really rough. If you will agree on this principal on trust and in faith, there is little that you cannot communicate and love through. This is often the most important point in a relationship, the safety that you offer those you love when they know that you will walk through every situation with them.

Get serious about your agape love. There is a strong correlation between your own attitude toward your love and your self and the results of your efforts. You cannot speak negatively over your situation, your relationship and expect that you will have a positive result, even when you are talking with your unrelated friends and acquaintances. You are always hearing what you say; there is not an escape from your own soul when you negatively speak over your family or your mate. Be real but imperatively positive. Even if your workplace or home gets negative, maintain your own speech and thoughts in the positive; remember that what you plant, you reap. Bless those you love with honest praise, especially when they are not listening.

Authors Note: If you know that you're in a circumstance that is not healthy, seek professional help. That may be counseling in church, at a local community center, county mental health agency or even with a qualified marriage and family therapist. It is important that your attitude maintain a positive frame of mind for those moments of stress. Here is a word of honest caution...if you are in danger from physical or mental abuse, seek help immediately. Contact the Victim's Assistance center, the police or a trusted member of clergy. It is important to understand that love does not bruise the flesh or the soul, and is not grown in fear. As a woman who suffered in a (former) abusive relationship, I can attest to the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Seek help, and find peace.

Alison Rodgers is a professional Christian speaker and author, with more than a decade of experience in life coaching. A graduate of Anderson University, she is currenntly pursuing an Masters in Divinty from the Anderson School of Theology, and is the cofounder of Allison Rodgers Ministries with husband Brian. The ministry website offers resources and Alli's speaking schedule, along with other life changing articles and resources to engourage, equip and strengthen the body of Christ.