It is as natural as breathing to expect to be loved by those we love. However sad to say, those we love don't always love us in return. Consequently people everywhere are struggling to find love and acceptance in ways that would even boggle the minds of the most liberal thinkers.
Love is not feeling or emotions as we often think. God is Love, and He created us in such a way only He (love) can satisfy the longing of our hearts. This means we can only be truly happy when we know the security of His love. Thus we all embark on the journey of life in the pursuit to find happiness ignorantly thinking that pleasure and comfort is the vehicle to reach our destination.
Our means justify our end as we manipulate friends and love ones alike into doing what we want, and giving us what we think we need. Have you ever said to someone you love; "If you really love me you would (or would not )_______?" No doubt males wanting to have their way with a female have often used this one throughout the ages;"If you love me prove it."
Believe it or not, anger is a tool that is often used to get what we want. None of us would really have to think very hard to remember the last time that we got upset when we didn't get our way. In fact if the truth be told, some of us even throw tantrums just like we did when we were two (2) years old. Ah, and what about the time-tested classic; "the ole silent treatment." No doubt children have witnessed their parents use this great manipulator on each other for untold generations. Of course there are many other ways, but you get the point.
You see friend, the truth is that most of us are selfish and either we don't realize it, or we are in denial. To be selfish simply means to view, understand, and deal with life from our limited perspective and resources with our own interest above all others. Unbeknown to us, we enter into relationships expecting love and acceptance from self-centered people who are just like us. Needless to say, this is always a recipe for frustration, heart-ache, and much pain.
Have you ever wondered why people have extra marital affairs? Is it because they don't get enough sex at home? Is their spouse no longer beautiful or handsome? Did their mate all of a sudden turn into a monster? There are many reasons people give for infidelity, but the number one answer given is; "I just don't love _____ anymore."
Is the lack of love and devotion for a spouse really due to the external things that are often blamed for a failed relationship i.e., he/she did this or that? Or because they are too _________, or they won't ___________ etc..
Although all the external things others do may be true, however the real problem is that our focus is wrong. Our hands are stretched out in expectations towards people instead of towards God. So once a relationship begins it doesn't take long for the unrealistic expectations (i.e. unconditional love and acceptance) that are imposed on us and we impose on others (without God) to reveal our inability to meet them. Sooner than later we become disappointed and frustrated with our mate, and then we want to get out of the relationship.
What do we learn from it? As long as we are self-centered, absolutely nothing! The reason is because as long as we are in this condition our hearts are hard towards God, and thus we resist Him. So as long as our hearts are callous towards God there is nothing or no one in life that will satisfy us. Absolutely nothing!
A woman can have the best husband in the world and have an affair with the vilest of men. Or a man can have a woman of beauty and virtue and run off with a prostitute. These maybe extreme examples, but I think the point is clear. Therefore let us stop sweeping the cob-webs of excuses of why we sin or can't get along, and get rid of the spider (the cause). Again it because of the hardness of our hearts toward God! Man's heart apart from God is desperately wicked.
Many enter into relationships with the same criteria as a person buying a car without checking to see if it has an engine. The only thing this person is interested in is how good it looks on the outside, and how well it will make them look when they sit in it. However upon taking possession of the vehicle, they notice the imperfections of the car they hadn't seen before, and decide to trade it in.
It is also the same with some of us; when a love-one disappoint us (and they often do), we focus on their problems which were no doubt there all the time. However we never consider the fact that we were drawn to them because of something in us. I heard a brother say; "only deceivers get deceived," meaning that a person is deceived because of something within the deceived person gave place to the deception. The apostle James said it in this way; "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed" (James 1:14).
I am not saying that we should remain in a bad a situation because we have made some bad choices, or accept the blame for the actions of others. I am saying that we should look unto Jesus who is made unto us wisdom from God. He knows us as well as our spouses, and above all He loves us! So we must allow Him to guide us in what we should do.
Notice that a person first falls out with God before they fall out with each other. God is Love, so how can a person love God and hate his/her spouse? Jesus said in Matthew 5:44; "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." This means that there is never an excuse for a Christian not to love others. However as long as we think of love as being a feeling or an emotion, we will never be able to love and forgive those who hurt us. Again I say God is Love, and only through Him are we able to love others.
When we don't recognize our inability to meet each other's need for love, it is only a matter of time until the foundation of our relationship will be proven to be unstable. Sooner than later our differences and faults take center stage, and the externals that many of us built our relationships on i.e., beauty, youth, fame, money, convenience, etc. is not enough to sustain our relationships. Consequently many chalk up their disappointments to irreconcilable differences, and proceed to focus on someone else. So the cycle repeats itself over again.
It is only when we realize our helplessness to love others, and their inability to love us in return that we look to God. Thus in Him we find His unconditional love more than enough. Therein we rest and find contentment and acceptance apart from anything we have done or can possibly do. It is also there that we discover the freedom to love others unconditionally.
What about when there is physical and mental abuse in a relationship, what do I do? Dear friends, God really loves us, and He didn't call us into bondage, but rather liberty through His Son. So Again I say; "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Even when we love others unconditionally, it doesn't always mean they will accept us, receive God's love from us, or change their ways, but of a certainty His love sets us free from the tyranny of living to people. Therefore let us ask the Lord to reveal to us our insufficiency apart from Him, to the end that we may trust Him in all of life.
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